A couple weeks ago I had some work that I really, really needed to get done. I was way behind schedule and my deadline was the next day. Ugh!

That afternoon, a good friend sent me an Instant Message inviting me to a concert.  I typed my reply, “I really wish I could, but I’ve got some work I absolutely have to get done tonight.” I was about to press the Enter key to send it when I had a thought, In five years will I remember that I worked late tonight?

I have no idea what inspired that question to pop into my mind, but in an instant I realized that in five years I would have absolutely no recollection of working that night or what I had accomplished. However, if I went to the concert, I would probably still remember it five years later; my friend would probably remember it too. Sure, there were some benefits to working late too.

I held down the backspace key and began typing again, “I would love to! Thanks for thinking of me!” We had a great time at the concert and just hanging out together. I’m so glad I went.

And the fallout from the work I didn’t have done wasn’t nearly as bad as I had originally imagined  in my mind. I still had time to do some of it, even though it wasn’t as polished as I originally wanted.

So, what opportunities do you have today? Which ones will you remember in five years? Which ones will you choose?

I realize it’s my responsibility to motivate myself and get myself working productively on the things I need to work on. Sometimes that can be a very difficult though, especially when I need to do work that requires a lot of creativity or other mental energy. Everyone experiences this sort of thing at time, but adults with ADHD (or ADD) experience it more often.

About twenty years ago I worked with my Dad installing fire sprinkler systems. One time we were doing an inspection in a very large manufacturing plant. The plant  had signs posted every fifty-feet or so throughout the plant that said, "Motivation is not an external pressure applied, but an internal force released." That phrase stuck in my mind and has been with me ever since.

If that statement is true, then how do I release that internal force of motivation?

Like a geyser, sometimes the pressure has to build up before it can be released. Once there is enough pressure, or a small puncture, it will be released. Until then, there is no evidence of motivation.

Sometimes I’ll build up pressure through procrastination. This is a bad way to build the pressure. I wait until something absolutely has to be done and I’m experiencing the pressure of a looming deadline; that releases my motivation.

Sometimes I’ll build up pressure by starting something small. If I have a report to write, I might begin by telling myself, I don’t have to write the report, but I’m just going to open Word. Maybe I’ll save a blank document with the filename of the report. Then before I know it I’m writing the report. The idea is to find the smallest activity I have the energy to do; once I get started, the rest of my motivation can then be released. This is like sticking a pin in a water balloon to get my motivation flowing, then, as it flows, the pinhole gets larger and I have more motivation flowing out.

Sometimes I need to build resolve by doing something totally unrelated to what I need to do. Resolve can be related to motivation, but it’s not exactly the same thing. Resolve means, “to come to a definite or earnest decision about. To build resolve, I sometimes use a technique I call the First This Then That Principle. I then use the resolve to release motivation.

There are three very simple steps to apply the First This Then That Principle:

1. Make a statement about what you are going to do. This is the action that you are resisting. The more specific the statement is, the better it is. It could be something like, “I’m going to work on my income tax returns” or “I’m going to write the report”. Those are both OK, but if you can make it a small definite action (like I mentioned in the “Start something small” section above) it would be even better. Consider something like, “I’m going to gather the necessary income tax forms” or “I’m going to locate the statistics for the report.” This is the “That” part of the equation.
2. Do something you aren’t resisting. While you’re doing it, periodically remind yourself what you’re going to do as soon as you finish. This action could be something like walking around the block, driving to the coffee shop, taking a nap, reading a chapter in a book, watching a television show, or just about anything you aren’t resisting. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a productive task. A 10- to 20-minute activity usually works well for me. If the action is too brief, like a quick trip to the bathroom or getting a cup of coffee, you may not have enough time to build much resolve. If the action is too long, like going to the movies or walking for an hour, you may use too much energy on the activity and not have the energy you need for the activity you need to do. This action is the “First This” part of the equation.
3. As soon as you finish the first activity, immediately start what you originally planned to do. Make the transition immediately. If you need to work on your taxes, and you chose to walk around the block first, then as soon as you walk back into the house, sit down at your desk and start gathering the tax forms. If you need to write the report, and you chose to watch a video first, then as soon as the credits roll, go to  your computer and start locating the statistics for the report. It’s very important that you do this action immediately. Don’t check email first, don’t check Twitter, don’t go the bathroom, don’t get a cup of coffee. When the first activity is done IMMEDIATELY start the next activity. The momentum will mix with your resolve to release your motivation. This immediate transition becomes the “Then” part of the equation.

So, give the First This Then That Principle a try the next time you have difficulty motivating yourself to do something. If it works for you, let me know in the comments. If it doesn’t, let me know that too. As always, I welcome any other questions and comments you may have too.

Now, I need to document the steps in a SharePoint Administrator Training lab project; first I’m going to take a walk and then I’m going to log into my virtual machine.

I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. I find that for most people there isn’t a lot of resolve there and they quickly fail at their so-called “resolution”. I’m no exception to this.

However, I do set goals for things I would like to achieve over the course of the year. In recent years, I’ve fallen short of several of my goals in several areas. I’ve met some of my goals, but I haven’t done nearly as well as I would have liked.

My Weekly Goals

Usually I’ll set a goal for things like a certain weight I would like to achieve or certain projects I would like to finish or other similar things. Since my diagnosis with Adult ADD (Attenion Defecit Disorder), I’ve been thinking about things in terms of the amount of attention I give them. This has led to a change in my goals for 2012 and how I track those goals.

I’ve given myself a set amount of attention I would like to apply to in certain areas on a weekly basis. Here are those areas:

• Work 5-hours on Mindful Worship
• Work 5-hours on Spears Technologies
• Work 5-hours on my college studies at West Coast Bible College
• Create something worth sharing
• Hike for 3-hours
• Eat high-protein/low-carbohydrate for 5-days
• Interact socially for 3-hours
• Encourage others 10-times

There are other areas of my life I want to work on, but these are the areas I’ve fallen short in the most over the past year and want to work on this year. I’ll probably add more areas later on, especially as I find better ways to quantify the amount of attention I invest in the area.

Why Have I Chosen A Weekly Break-Down of Attention Invested?

I’ve wanted to bring my goals down to an area where I feel like I have more control and I can invest more energy and attention. For example, you’ll notice that two of my goals are related to health and fitness (hike for 3-hours and eat high-protein/low-carbohydrate for 5-days). Ultimately, the results of this will be reflected in a decrease in my weight. However, if I set a goal to decrease my weight by a certain number of pounds, it’s easy to get discouraged if I do well and don’t see the decrease in weight (or as rapid a decrease as I would like). However, by doing these two things consistently on a weekly basis, I know I’m moving toward an over-arching goal of improved health and fitness.

Last year I set a goal to publish 25 new Mindful Worship meditations; I only published one and that was way back in January. I also set a goal to write a book in the area of Christian meditation and I didn’t do any work on it at all. Both of these things are too big for me to get my around fully and although I know they are achievable, they seem too big and it’s easy to get discouraged and sidetracked.

I’m Tracking My Goals with Grades

Each of these goals is an ideal. I realize that I’m not going to meet each of these goals every week—it’s just not possible. So, I’ve decided to give myself a letter grade in each area. Here is how those letter grades are calculated:

• Work 5-hours on Mindful Worship
  Grades: 5=A; 4=B; 3=C; 2=C; 1=D; <1=F
  
• Work 5-hours on Spears Technologies
  Grades: 5=A; 4=B; 3=C; 2=C; 1=D; <1=F
  
• Work 5-hours on my college studies at West Coast Bible College
  Grades: 5=A; 4=B; 3=C; 2=C; 1=D; <1=F
• Create something worth sharing
  Grades: Yes=A; No=F
• Hike for 3-hours
  3=A; 2=B; 1=C; .5=D; <.5=F
• Eat high-protein/low-carbohydrate for 5-days
  5=A; 4=B; 3=C; 2=C; 1=D; <1=F
• Interact socially for 3-hours
  3=A; 2=B; 1=C; .5=D; <.5=F
• Encourage others 10-times
  9-10=A; 7-8=B; 5-6=C; 3-4=C; 1-2=D; <1=F

Most weeks, I should be able to reach a satisfactory “C” level in most of these areas. In fact, I should be able to reach excellent “A” or great “B” grade in most of them. Some weeks I will find that I need improvement “D” or totally fail “F” in an area, and that’s OK and to be expected. No one is perfect. However, by investing a small amount of attention in each of these areas each week, I know that I’ll be moving in the direction I want to move in regarding these areas of my life. A lower grade just means I’m not moving as quickly as I would like while a higher grade means I’m moving along at a good clip.

The other nice thing about weekly grades is that I start with a fresh slate each week. I may get a “D” or “F” in an area one week and then get two or three “A”s in following weeks. By starting each new week with a clean slate, I’m motivated to do some work in that area the next week.

At this point, I do plan to calculate monthly and quarterly summaries.

Questions and Comments

I’ve read dozens of books on motivation, organization, and goal setting. I don’t recall reading about anyone else setting and tracking goals exactly this way, so you may have some questions. If you do, please ask them below. You may have questions about how I chose a particular goal or the details behind one. Ask that below too. You may have ideas for how to expand on this idea; if you do, please share those below for others’ benefit.

In my last post, I shared about how I don’t feel that an ADHD diagnosis is a disability, but rather it is incredibly liberating. In case you haven’t read that post already, here is the portion where I talk about this:

Let me begin by saying that there is something very liberating about my diagnosis. I don’t see my ADHD as a disability in any way—in fact, just like with Steve Jobs, Ted Turner, Bill Gates, and Albert Einstein, I feel it has been a strength and a contributing factor in my success up to this point. However, there are challenges and difficulties. One of those challenges is that it’s difficult (and sometimes impossible) to stay mentally focused and engaged on tasks that we don’t find interesting.

Imagine that you were wrestling with The Invisible Man. He has you pinned to the floor and no matter how hard you try to get up, you can’t; there is this unseen resistance that you can’t overcome. You feel paralyzed for no reasons and just feel like if you tried harder you get up. You’ve never heard of The Invisible Man before, you can’t see him, he’s bigger and stronger than you are, and he’s got you pinned to the floor. Then suddenly, someone (probably your clinical psychologist or psychiatrist) throws a bucket of paint on the two of you. All of a sudden, you realize you aren’t paralyzed after all—you just have a big man on top of you holding you down. Now you can see your challenger! After he has been identified, you are then on a level playing field where you can meet his challenges.

This is what my ADHD diagnosis was like for me. Now that I can see my challenger, I can find ways to overcome those challenges. To those without ADHD, these may seem like small insignificant challenges. That’s OK. You’re wrestling with The Invisible Man. But those who are need some strategies and techniques in order to win the fight. This article is one such strategy that I’ve stumbled upon that helps me tremendously.

As I was writing this analogy of wrestling with The Invisible Man, I happened to remember something I had shared with my psychologist. I shared with him about a recurring aspect of some of my dreams. I must admit that I very rarely remember my dreams, but I typically do remember a few each year. For the past 4 or 5 years, I would periodically dream that I was in some threatening situation and that I was unable to move at all—I was totally paralyzed. In the earlier parts of the dream I was normal, then I would be threatened by thugs on the street, invaders in my home, or in some other situation. I was never hurt in the dreams, but the threat was very near. I would struggle to move, but couldn’t move a single muscle. Then I would suddenly break free and simultaneously I would wake up.

I’ve never been one to think much about dreams as a window into the subconscious. I do believe that God revealed things to people in the Bible through dreams and that He can do that today as well. I think that most of the people who try to interpret every dream as having either some deep spiritual or psychological meaning are making dreams much more of a god than they deserve to be. Having said all that, I do think these dreams of mine had some relation to what was going on inside my mind.

I had been searching for a few years for the cause of some of my challenges in life. When I was diagnosed with ADHD, a lot of things suddenly made sense. Just like in my story above, I could finally see my challenger, and since I could see him, the playing field was leveled and I could look for ways to beat him. In my dream, as soon as my muscles broke free from the paralysis, I woke up. In real life, once I realized the cause of the challenges it was like waking up from a dream.

It’s interesting to note that I haven’t had this particular theme in a dream since then. I don’t know if this should be explained as psychological or spiritual, but I do believe there was some connection between this dream theme and my diagnosis. Now that I’m ‘awake’ I’ve been finding lots of ways to cope and overcome The Invisible Man of ADHD.

So, has anyone else experienced anything like this? Have you experienced something where a dream turned out to have a deeper connection to something going on psychologically inside you that was undiagnosed? I know I can’t be unique here and I would like to hear other’s stories.

It’s been a while since I posted about my diagnosis with Adult ADHD earlier this year. When I wrote that post, I promised that I would be sharing more about my experience and especially about the coping mechanisms that I’ve implemented to help me overcome some of the difficulties.

The Liberation of an Adult ADHD Diagnosis

Let me begin by saying that there is something very liberating about my diagnosis. I don’t see my ADHD as a disability in any way—in fact, just like with Steve Jobs, Ted Turner, Bill Gates, and Albert Einstein, I feel it has been a strength and a contributing factor in my success up to this point. However, there are challenges and difficulties. One of those challenges is that it’s difficult (and sometimes impossible) to stay mentally focused and engaged on tasks that we don’t find interesting.

Imagine that you were wrestling with The Invisible Man. He has you pinned to the floor and no matter how hard you try to get up, you can’t; there is this unseen resistance that you can’t overcome. You feel paralyzed for no reasons and just feel like if you tried harder you get up. You’ve never heard of The Invisible Man before, you can’t see him, he’s bigger and stronger than you are, and he’s got you pinned to the floor. Then suddenly, someone (probably your clinical psychologist or psychiatrist) throws a bucket of paint on the two of you. All of a sudden, you realize you aren’t paralyzed after all—you just have a big man on top of you holding you down. Now you can see your challenger! After he has been identified, you are then on a level playing field where you can meet his challenges.

This is what my ADHD diagnosis was like for me. Now that I can see my challenger, I can find ways to overcome those challenges. To those without ADHD, these may seem like small insignificant challenges. That’s OK. You’re wrestling with The Invisible Man. But those who are need some strategies and techniques in order to win the fight. This article is one such strategy that I’ve stumbled upon that helps me tremendously.

Progress Bars – What Are They?

You’ve seen progress bars when your computer was performing some kind of processing. There is usually a graphical bar and sometimes they will display a percentage complete. Sometimes they will even display the number of items to be processed and indicate the current process that is in progress. I don’t remember, but I think I got the idea in this post from this latter kind of progress bar. I’ve been using it for several months now and it’s really helped me. There area few ways I implement the method, and I’ll try to share as many of them here as I can.

Counting down – How I Power Through Email

When I process my email inbox, my goal is to process everything there and for my inbox to be empty. This is what David Allen calls Zero Base and what Merlin Mann calls Inbox Zero. When I start processing my email inbox, I grab a scratch pad of paper and write down the number of emails that are currently in my inbox. Then periodically as I process them I will scratch through the number and write down the new number. For some reason, this helps me to see the goal as getting closer and helps me to maintain my focus on the task.

I have several email addresses, all for different purposes. Most of them are combined into one email inbox, but some of them have to remain distinct and separate. In my main email account I also have lots of things that automatically got a label named “ads’ that I only process once every week or two. I write each one of these down as a separate column as I’m processing each one. Here is a picture of my scratch pad after processing three email accounts.

You’ll notice that I will often process several emails before scratching through a number and writing down a new one. At other times, I’ll only process one email before I scratch through and write down a new one. Essentially, I do this each time I feel I need a boost to my focus. Writing down the new number brings my mind back on task to process the next email.

Marking-off Numbered Tasks – How I Power Through Reading Books

For as long as I can remember, whenever I was reading a book, I would always make a note of the last page of the chapter I was reading at the time. This gave me a short-term goal to work toward and I felt really good when I finished each chapter.

Right now I’m reading a book for school that is very challenging to stay focused on. To take this book one chapter at a time is too big of a chunk for me. However, to take it one page at a time is about right.  So, before I read a chapter, I write down the page numbers for that chapter on a piece of scrap note paper. Then as I read each page (or sometimes after reading a few pages) I will mark through the page number(s) I’ve just read. If I’m tempted to stop reading, I can usually talk myself into reading, “just one more page,” so I can mark of just one more number.

Here is a picture of a couple pieces of my scratch pad. The first one shows all the pages marked through after reading Chapter 10 and the second one shows the pages I need to read before I go to bed tonight.

Journal What I’m Doing as I’m Doing It – How I Power Through Complex Projects

I love to document things. This has been a very helpful tool in writing courseware for the SharePoint Training classes I write and teach. As I’m working through a project I will often document my progress to help me stay on task. As I perform different tasks, I make notes about what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, and sometimes little conversations about how I’m feeling at the time. This documentation is not only encouraging, but also useful for troubleshooting. I recently had another consultant take over for me on a job I had been working on. I gave him all my notes about what I had already done so he easily knew the landscape of the project. I usually take these notes in Evernote. Here is a screenshot of part of one of those notes:

Chat Style Documenting of What I’m Doing as I’m Doing It – How I Power Through Boring Tasks

Sometimes a boring task doesn’t really lend itself the kind of detailed documentation I’ve indicated above and it doesn’t include numbered or counted items like in the previous two examples. I need something in between; I need something like Twitter or Instant Message. Sometimes I’ll Instant Message a coworker what I’m doing at the time, and update this each time I switch to a new task.

Here is an actual chat session I sent to one of my coworkers. Notice that I was providing updates as though he were watching a server automatically perform the tasks.

I also have a simple chat client installed on my own web server and I’ll use that to do this sort of thing as well. Here is an excerpt from when I was packaging some hardware and handling some emails. Notice that once again it has that computer-like tone of: I’m starting… I’m doing… … completed.

This could be accomplished using a Twitter account as well.

Amateur Cartography – How I’m Motivating Myself to Exercise

One of my favorite ways to get my body moving is walking. However, I find walking around my neighborhood very boring. I do like to be out in the woods though. I’ve been using the GPS on my phone to map some trails. I’ve also been taking other notes about the trails, and I’m gathering quite a bit of information about them. I’m not exactly sure how I’ll use it, but at the end of a hike I feel like I have something to show for it. I can look at my data and see that I have created something of value. One of the reasons I’ve never liked to exercise is because I don’t feel like I have something tangible to show for it; now I do.

Conclusion

So, there you have it… five ways I document my progress. These simple tools help me stay focused on the task at hand until it’s done. There are many variations you could take on these five methods too. Hopefully you’ll share your own ideas and tweaks in the comments.

Many of you will remember the post I wrote last year where I came out about suffering from Depression. I never provided any updates about my condition after that though.

The condensed version is that a few months ago I was clinically diagnosed with ADHD instead of depression. This was a complete surprise to me, but so many things in my life make so much more sense now in light of what I’ve learned about ADHD.

I have a lot more that I want to share on my blog here about my experience with ADHD, but I feel that before I can, I need to write an initial update about how I went from a depression diagnosis to an ADHD diagnosis. So, here is a more detailed look at what has happened in my life over the past year or so.

The Long Journey to Discovery

In my previous post, I wrote in considerable detail about my history to that point—how I searched for some answers to what I had been feeling and experiencing for a few years. You’ll remember that I talked to my doctor about what I was experiencing and he agreed that it sounded like I was experiencing depression. He prescribed 10mg of Paxil a day. I took this for about five months. For the first month or two I felt much better, but it quickly wore off and I was right back to feeling bored with life and feeling down about certain aspects of my life. I attributed my temporary improvement to the placebo effect of being on a drug. I stopped taking the Paxil entirely after a particularly difficult weekend where I experienced some kind of breakdown that left me in tears and unable to drive or even communicate for a couple hours; God’s grace pulled me through that.

For a few months I worked with a wonderful productivity coach, Tara Rodden Robinson, in a small master-mind group. That was helpful, but still didn’t fully resolve my issues with what I was feeling and experiencing.

I worked with a Christian Counselor for a couple months too. Although he was a very nice guy, and it was great to be able to open up to someone about some things, I didn’t feel like we were making any progress so I stopped seeing him.

After some encouragement from my wonderful wife, I finally decided to schedule an appointment with a Clinical Psychologist. This is what I should have done several years ago. After our second session, he told me he suspected that I suffer from ADHD. That was a total shock and a real surprise to me because it wasn’t something I had ever considered at all. He asked me to take a variety of multiple-choice tests which would help him to better diagnose me. The tests confirmed his initial suspicion; he made a definitive clinical diagnosis that I do in fact have ADHD. One of the tests also revealed some mild depression, but certainly nothing at the clinical level.

How Can ADHD Be Confused with Depression?

Most people think of hyperactive children when they hear the term ADHD. Although many hyperactive children do suffer from ADHD, ADHD isn’t just a disorder experienced by children and isn’t just about hyperactivity—everyone who suffers from it doesn’t display the bouncing-off-the-walls disposition.

The things that most people with ADHD do have in common is that our minds are constantly thinking a whirlwind of thoughts. Our minds are constantly looking for something we find interesting and if it doesn’t find it we feel ‘bored.’ The whirlwind us usually only broken when a particular thought grabs our attention at which time we go into a mode of ‘hyperfocus’ where we explore the interesting topic deeply in our minds and find it extremely difficult to think about anything else.

When the boredom and hyperfocus from ADHD is combined, it can easily confused with depression. There are several symptoms of depression. One of those is, “loss of interest in activities or hobbies that were once pleasurable.” When one has ADHD, most things are only interesting for a while, then we get bored with them. Another symptom is, “difficulty concentrating, remembering details, and making decisions.” Although many of us implemented a variety of coping mechanisms over the years, these things are a day-to-day reality for us because we always have this whirlwind of thoughts going through our minds. One of the symptoms of depression that most people thing of when they hear the word depression is, “persistent sad, anzious, or ‘empty’ feelings” and “feelings of guilt, worthlessness, and/or helplessness.” When my mind would discover a problem over which I really had little control, but yet felt that I ought to be able to find a solution, my mind wouldn’t stop thinking about the problem for days while it looked at the problem from every angle and sought for solutions that just didn’t exist. As my mind hyperfocused on the problem and looked for solutions it resulted in those empty feelings.

Why Am I Just Now Realizing I Have ADHD?

Although ADHD is something that usually appears in early childhood, it’s not uncommon for adults to be diagnosed as well. Most people who are diagnosed as adults are diagnosed because they have a child who is diagnosed and they get tested along with the child—ADHD has a strong genetic component. I’m pretty convinced that my Dad also ADHD and that was a big factor in his restlessness (we lived in more than 20 houses and by the time I graduated high school), his interest in starting many projects (but finishing very few of them), and his alcoholism (as a means of self-medicating).

Many of us who grew up with ADHD (whether we knew we had it or not), develop a number of coping mechanisms. We know what is expected of us and we implement systems and behaviors to help us meet our day-to-day obligations. I also think that having a “normal” “job” where there is a definite schedule, expectations, and oversight is a mechanism that helps keep many of the ADHD symptoms from becoming obvious. So, the normal job becomes a coping mechanism in itself.

In November of 2006 I started a new job that allowed me to work from home most of the time. I could set my own hours and had a lot of autonomy about both what I did and when I did it. A big part of my job involves writing, which is a very difficult in itself. I believe it was the combination of lots of freedom, lack of direct supervision, and mentally intensive work, that brought my ADHD symptoms to light. In March of 2008 I wrote about I felt it was time for a new hobby. I had been feeling restless and bored for a while and I thought I just needed a new hobby or something to get me away from the computer. In retrospect, this was the beginning of my awareness that something wasn’t quite right—and that something was that I have ADHD.

So, What Am I Doing About It?

ADHD can’t be cured.; it can be treated though. There are two primary treatments: pharmaceuticals and coping mechanisms. Both my psychologist and I want to avoid drugs if at all possible—they always have other side effects. Over the years I’ve been really good at implementing various coping mechanisms to help me overcome my natural inclinations. Our hope is that I can continue to discover and implement new coping mechanisms.

I could write a lot more now about things I’ve been doing for years to help me cope with ADHD, as well as the new things that I’ve implemented since being diagnosed. I want to save those for other posts though.

Also, ADHD isn’t just a debilitating disorder. You may find it interesting that the very things that cause me the most trouble (a constant whirlwind of thoughts and the ability to hyperfocus) have both been very instrumental in my own success in life and business. I will probably be writing more posts about how my ADHD has helped me in life too. Another reason I don’t want to take ADHD medications is because I do have some fear they may cause me to lose those strengths that have given me an edge in business, ministry, and life.

Just like when I thought I was suffering from depression, God is continuing to use my journey and my diagnosis in my interactions with others. I certainly have more compassion on others with psychological disorders than I used to. I accept that this is the way God made me and I wouldn’t want it any other way. He knows exactly what He’s doing in my life and I try to see ADHD as another gift He can use. I expect I’ll be writing more about how ADHD is a gift God uses in my life–and the lives of other–too. In fact, the reason I wan’t to write more about ADHD here is so that I can help others by sharing what I learn along this journey.

So, stay tuned here to find out more about my ADHD experience. If you have specific questions or comments, feel free to post them below—I really do appreciate and enjoy the feedback and I respond to as many comments as I can.

Do you really enjoy the fall?

Do you really enjoy looking at the autumn leaves? (While they’re still in the trees, not while you’re raking them in your yard?)

A few weeks ago, my Sunday school teacher and I were talking briefly before class about how nice it is this time of year. In that conversation I said something that must have struck a chord with him. I said, “It’s amazing how beautiful death and decay can be.”

Last week he asked me if I could elaborate on that for the class for just a couple minutes. I told him I would and this is what I plan to share later this morning.

When I was growing up, and in early adulthood, I never really gave a lot of thought to the fall leaves. When I did think about them, I only saw death and decay—leaves died slowly and then returned to the earth.

I remember very clearly when I began to appreciate the fall foliage. It was in 1988, I was 21 and I had just started dating Sandy that spring. I was driving home way out in Trinity and all of a sudden the brilliance and beauty of the fall leaves just seemed to leap out before me—and I’ve loved looking at them ever since.

Let me ask you another question. Imagine that you were the one that had the opportunity to design the rules by which nature in our world operates, how many of you would have thought that killing off 90% of our foliage in a slow and grim way would have been a good idea? I doubt you would.

God told Isaiah:
8″For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD.
9″For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.

When God designed the way things would work in the fall, He knew that this terrible thing needed to happen in order for spring to also happen. If there was no Autumn, there could be no spring—no newness of life. I’m sure that if trees and leaves had feelings there would be no fun in this process for the leaf or for the tree that was shedding it’s leaves.

I believe that in this, there is a lesson for our lives.

We experience trials in our own lives. I imagine God looking over the landscape of believer’s lives and seeing the sickness, difficulty, persecution, death, and all of our other trials much as we see the dying and decaying leaves. I don’t believe that God gets some kind of perverse pleasure just from seeing his children in these situations though. He can see the bigger picture that we can’t see. He knows spring is coming. And He knows that in order for new life to spring forward in our lives, we must first experience Fall in our lives. And because of that, the trials in our lives can be beautiful things.

8″For My thoughts are not your thoughts,
Nor are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD.
9″For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are My ways higher than your ways
And My thoughts than your thoughts.

I hope this will be encouraging to you in whatever you’re currently experiencing. Remember that God sees the bigger picture that we can’t see.

This is a post I’ve been meaning to write for a couple years now and I’ve just never gotten around to it. A couple weeks ago, my friend Sindy Martin posted the following on Twitter:

Sindy knows a lot about professional etiquette, and I admire her work greatly, but I have to disagree with her on this one. Her comment encouraged me to finally write this. Thanks, Sindy!

Backing into parking spaces is safer, easier, and more efficient than pulling in directly. Although it may give others the impression that you are in a hurry to leave, I feel it gives the impression that you are safe and conscientious–which I think are both an important part of presenting yourself in a professional manner.

Backing in is SAFER. When I tell people this, they initially think I’m crazy, but let me explain myself. You have to put your car in reverse either as you enter the parking space or as you leave. So, you are backing your car at some point in the parking process. Since you have to put your car in reverse at some time, you should do it at the safest time.

There are probably people driving and walking in the parking lot. Each of these could result in an dangerous collision. When you are backing your car, you have the least amount of visibility because you can only look over one shoulder at a time, there are additional blind spots created by the body of the car (usually between the rear window and rear side windows), and if you use mirrors you like have a blind-spot in each of them too. So, the best way to be safe is to either limit the area in which potential collisions can happen and to be better aware of the activity around you–backing-in provides both of these.

When you pull into a parking lot aisle you can see all the other cars and pedestrians that are currently in motion; you have excellent awareness of what is going on around you. You find a spot you want to back in, pull up a few feet ahead of it, and then begin backing into the spot. Once your car begins to enter the spot, it is extremely unlikely that there will be any pedestrians or other cars within that spot with which you might collide. Although you do have to pay attention to how close you are to the cars beside and behind you, they are not likely in motion. As for any other pedestrians or cars in the open aisle, you are in the part of the car that is closest to the aisle and you have an unobstructed view of the aisle. When you are ready to leave the space, you will likewise have the same open view of the aisle into which you will be pulling. You’ll be able to easily see pedestrians, other cars in the aisle, and other cars that are pulling into the aisle. How often have you and a person behind you been backing out at the same time and you’ve either almost collided or both waited a long time for one of you to back out first?

If you pull-in to the parking space, then you have a generally unobstructed view of the space into which you are parking and don’t need to be greatly concerned about what is going on behind your car. The problem comes when you are ready to back out. As you walked to your car, you made a mental note about the other cars and people walking in the aisle. However, by the time you get into the car, fasten your seat belt, start the car, and put it in reverse, the aisle has changed considerably; now you don’t know what is behind you at this point. You likely have cars (or maybe large SUVs or vans) on each side of you that is also obstructing your view. Your perspective is also limited by the fact that you are in the space in the car that is furthest from the opening, you have blindspots, you can only look over one shoulder at a time, and even your mirrors have blind spots. Even if you back out very slowly, you are depending on others to watch out for you more than you are watching out for them–because you can’t see them!

Backing in is EASIER. You may have a hard time believing this one. I’ve had passengers express their surprise when I back into a parking space because they find it difficult. However, as I said earlier, you either have to back into the space or back out of it. You are using the same skill either way–driving in reverse. I find backing easier because when I back in, the wheels that turn the vehicle are at the furthest point in the turn–this gives me more control over the position of the vehicle. Have you ever noticed that when you pull-in to a parking space you often have to back out and then pull back in to either straighten your vehicle or to get it more to one side of the space? When the steering wheels are on the outside of the turn (instead of the inside of the turn) you have much more flexibility and control of the vehicle and you can position it much more accurately.

If you’re nervous about backing in, you probably just need a little more experience. I recommend that you find a parking lot that isn’t busy, find a couple cars that have an empty parking space between them and spend some time practicing backing in. Maybe go with a couple friends and take turns backing between your own vehicles. I think that most people only really need to successfully do this a few times to feel that they’ve got it. It really is easy, you just need to overcome the initial fear.

Backing in is MORE EFFICIENT. When I park, I am usually thinking about the egress–I’m thinking, “How easily and quickly can I leave when it is time to leave?” That doesn’t mean that I’m in a hurry to leave, only that I want to be able to leave in the most efficient manner as possible. For example, when I travel and park at the airport I look for parking spaces that provide both easy access to the exit as well as to the terminal; I’ve likely arrived early and have plenty of time to park, but I want to get back home to my wonderful wife as quickly as possible. I can pull forward out of a space faster than I can back out (I have to back out slowly because it’s unsafe, remember?).

Other thoughts on parking and parking lots. I don’t always back-in to parking spaces, but I probably back-in more often than I pull-in. Of course, in angled parking I always pull-in because angled parking is designed to make backing out easier and safer–traffic flows in one direction and by being angled you have a less obstructed view of the aisle. Please don’t drive the wrong way down an angled parking aisle and NEVER pull through in angled parking or else you’ll have to pull out the wrong way which is very unsafe.

Don’t spend time driving around looking for a good parking space. I’ll usually park in the first space I see that is relatively convenient, regardless of how far away from the building it is. I always laugh when I’m walking down the parking lot aisle and the person who was driving in front of me in the aisle is waiting for someone close to the store to back out while I walk past them. Although they start out ahead of me, I still end up in the store long before they do. I would just rather not waste my time sitting in my car in a parking lot (unless there is something really good on the radio ).

Handicap parking spaces are for those people who really need them. A lot of people who have the stickers to park there don’t seem to really need to park there. I don’t think these parking spaces were created just so people with physical handicaps can be close to the building to shorten the distance, but rather to decrease the time and effort it takes physically handicapped people to get into the building. People with wheelchairs and walkers need to spend as little time in the elements (heat, cold, rain, and snow) as possible. These people often need extra space around their vehicle for their wheelchairs and walkers. I get so angry when I see people in wheelchairs (or with walkers) slowly making their way across a parking lot because all the handicap spots were taken up by people who were able to walk into the store with apparent little trouble (and then walk 1/4-mile around inside the store with little apparent trouble too). Just because you own the sticker and have the legal right to park there doesn’t mean you always should–try to think of other people. There is a reason the handicap symbol shows a person in a wheelchair.

When you empty your shopping cart, return it to the store or the nearest cart corral. In my opinion, nothing epitomizes laziness more than seeing someone leave a shopping cart in a parking space. You walked 1/4-mile around inside the store doing your shopping, is it really that much more effort to push the cart 50- to 100-feet to where it belongs? It keeps the parking lot looking nicer for the rest of us. If I happen to see that you have left one in the parking lot, I’ll gladly return it for you since I’m walking that way anyway. In fact, if I see you pushing one back I’ll probably ask to take it the rest of the way for you since it will save me some time once I get to the store. Besides, I don’t want to accidentally hit your shopping cart while I’m backing into my parking space.

I’ve always hated exercise. Even the words exercise and working out repulse me.
I’m not exactly sure why. Perhaps it has something to do with the fact that while I excelled academically when I was in school, I didn’t excel in physical education nor on the playground nearly so much. Those words have always carried very negative connotations to me. No, I don’t want to exercise or work out–not now, not ever, and certainly not every day or on a daily basis.

Over the years I’ve attempted to form exercise habits in spite of my distaste for it. I’ve employed a number of psychological tricks over the years to aid in forming a physical fitness regimen. It has never lasted, however. You may even recall my experiment a few years ago where I set out to walk at least 45-minutes a day for 40-days in a row through the use of a Paper Clip Chain. That worked for about 42 days. I never got to the point where it was a habit or where I really wanted to do it. I’ve tried several other similar things over the years and nothing has ever stood the test of time.

A number of things have conspired to inspire me to add regular physical activity to my life. I normally don’t get a lot of physical activity during my day. I sit at a desk and work on a computer most of the day and I haven’t had any strong desire to be more physically active.

I recently read The Way We’re Working Isn’t Working: The Four Forgotten Needs That Energize Great Performance by Tony Schwartz, and one of the thing he talks about in that book about how our bodies affect our overall work. The book is about brining balance in to all areas of our lives for maximum energy, engagement, and productivity. It’s certainly not a book on health, diet, and exercise, but there are a couple chapters related to this. In chapter 7 he writes, “Experts say we need twenty to forty-five minutes of exercise three to six days a week…” After reading that, it has been in the back of my mind as something I needed to start doing again.

I’ve also shared about how I’ve been dealing with depression in my life. As I’ve talked with others, some have indicated that regular exercise also plays a role in regulating the chemicals in the brain that are related to depression. Some have shared that they can really tell a difference if they don’t work out for a few days. So, I thought that exercising might help me as well.

Along with depression, the medicine that I’m on has a known side effect of weight gain. In fact, I gained 3 pounds the first two weeks that I was on it, and I made a strong effort to eat less because I knew this was a likelihood. I’m already quite over weight and I don’t need anything else to add to it.

So, I’m trying something new now, and it is working so far. A couple weeks ago I decided to go for a 1-mile walk around my neighborhood right after I got up in the morning. I didn’t enjoy it, but it did seem to make me feel better throughout the day. The next morning I changed the route a little bit to a 1.2-mile route that took me about 24-minutes. This was a more challenging route that takes me over steep rolling hills which provides some nice intervals during the time I’m walking. This is the route I’m doing now.

I’ve decided that I’m only going to do this on regular work days (typically Monday through Friday) and not on weekends, holidays, or when weather doesn’t permit. And I’ve decided that I’m not going to feel guilty on those days that I don’t go. There is a good chance that I’ll get more physical activity during the regular course of the day when I’m not working as well.

Another thing that has changed this time is that I’m not doing this to lose weight. I certainly would like to lose weight, and I hope this will help, but weight loss isn’t my goal; I also don’t consider my walks to be a tool for weight loss.

So far, these three things have helped to solve a couple problems with my past experiences. First, in the past I’ve made my walks to be at least 45-minutes to 1-hour; that’s a long time! By cutting that in half to 20- to 25-minutes, it’s much more agreeable. Second, in the past I’ve made it an everyday event with no room for exception. By making it a workday only thing, I can look forward to breaks on weekends and holidays. Third, by eliminating the goal of weight loss I’m not looking for results that I may not see every day.

More than anything, I’m doing this because I seem to feel better because of it. Last Friday I slept later than usual and thought that I would just skip my walk. I felt drawn to go ahead and walk anyway, so I just went later than usual. I don’t know how to describe the feeling exactly, but it is kind of like that feeling where you know you need a shower or need to brush your teeth–you just feel icky if you haven’t done it. I feel physically icky when I don’t walk on the days I should now.

A word to my critics: You may be thinking that 20- to 25-minutes walking isn’t enough exercise. That’s OK. What I’m doing is certainly better than nothing. You might even say that it walking isn’t challenging enough. The route I take is over rolling hills which provides some extra resistance. Also, if you know me in person, you recognize that I weigh nearly twice what the charts say I should. So, I’m moving a lot of extra weight on that walk as well. If you can imagine walking this distance over rolling hills while carrying someone on your back who weighs about the same as you do, you can get idea for what my walk is like. It’s a pretty good work out in my opinion.

So, why am I sharing this? I know how difficult it has been for me to add physical activity to my life over the years. I’m hoping that by sharing what is currently working for me that others will be encouraged as well. Perhaps something similar will work for you as well. Also, by sharing this publicly, it provides a certain amount of accountability–which is always a great motivator. If I’ve inspired you to try something like this too, let me know in the comments! Happy walking!

I suffer from depression. There. I said it.
None of my regular readers, nor many of my closest friends, family members, and coworkers probably would have guessed it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn’t have guessed it myself either and I didn’t for a very long time–at least two years. However, since I discovered that I suffer from depression, I’ve decided that it’s not something I’m going to be quiet about. I’ve already shared about it with a number of people and I’m really glad I have; if I hadn’t, I would still be suffering much more than I am today. Hopefully by sharing from my own life experience I can help others as well.

Some of you may be asking yourself, “What does Ricky have to be depressed about? He has a good job, he has a wonderful wife who loves him, he’s active in his church, he’s always learning, he joyfully serves and helps others. I mean, if I had his life I certainly wouldn’t be depressed.” If you’re asking that question, it is a question based in ignorance. It’s like hearing that I have a broken arm and saying, “Why does Ricky have a broken arm? He has a good job, he has a wonderful wife who loves him, he’s active in his church, he’s always learning, he joyfully serves and helps others. I mean, if I had his life I certainly wouldn’t have a broken arm.”

Although depression affects the psyche, it is very much a physical problem–as much as a broken arm is a physical problem. I do not hold a psychology degree but I do have an understanding of the ailment now. It is nothing to be embarrassed about and it doesn’t indicate some particular weakness that is the fault of the depressed person. For some reason, in our society, we tend to remain quiet about mental disorders. Just like we can’t always control what’s going on with our physical body, we can’t always control what’s going on with our brain either (note that the brain is part of our physical body). Because depression is a physical problem, it can be treated like other physical problems, often with medication and/or therapy. When I was debating on whether to consent to take medication for my depression, one of my friends asked me, “If you had cancer, would you take chemotherapy? If you were diabetic, would you take medication for that?” “Sure,” I replied. “Well,” she said, “this is no different.”

When Did It All Start? How Did I Realize I Was Depressed?
I’m not quite sure when my bout with depression started. I tend to think that it was at least two years ago though. For a couple years now I’ve had a very difficult time getting motivated to do things. I’ve been procrastinating a lot and causing myself extreme stress to meet deadlines. Even for those things I haven’t had to do, and I would normally want to do, there just hasn’t been a lot of drive there.

You may recall that a couple years ago I was looking for a new hobby and decided to take up sketching and drawing. This was coming off wrapping up a particularly challenging project. In retrospect, I think this is about the time some shift began to take place in my brain. Looking for a new hobby seemed to be the way to resolve the problem, even though I didn’t really know what the problem was. I only knew that there was something wrong in my life.

Well, drawing and sketching didn’t hold a lot of interest for me. I tried several other things and nothing else has held much interest for me either. When I talked to friends about how I was feeling, some of them, including my dear wife, had suggested that maybe I was dealing with depression. I dismissed that quickly thinking that I had no reason to be depressed; therefore it must be something else.

My wife had suggested that I talk to a counselor. I seriously considered this option. Because I think like an engineer, I can’t just tell someone that there is a problem without identifying the problem as much as possible. At this point I knew I had some problem in my life, but I had no idea what that problem was. For me to go to a counselor at this point and tell her, “I’ve got a problem,” would have been like someone telling me, “My email isn’t working, fix it for me,” without telling me what they were trying, what the desired and expected behavior was, and what they had done to try to fix the problem themselves; I need more information to even know where to begin investigating.

So, last fall I began a “Depression Notes” journal. I’m not quite sure why I called it this, but that’s what I called it. I didn’t journal every day, but I would mostly journal when I was stuck and couldn’t seem to work on anything or when I was especially stressed. I think I discovered a lot about myself through this process. On May 12th of this year I wrote:

I’m bored. I mean, I’m like really, really, bored. Sure, I have plenty of things I could be doing. I have plenty of things I should be doing. In fact, I have another big project that I’m behind on now and I just don’t want to get started on it. I have a tight deadline and I’ll probably be majorly stressing for the next 2 or 3 days as I work on it. Right now though, there just isn’t anything that I want to do. I don’t really want to be journaling right now, but it seemed to be one of the least negative things that I could do.

So, what am I bored with? Pretty much everything. I’m bored with my job. I’m bored with my business. I’m bored in my ministry. I’m bored in Toastmasters. I’m bored with what I read. I’m bored in my marriage. I’m bored with computers. I’m bored with our evening routine. I’m bored with music. I honestly can’t think of anything that I’m not bored with.

When I applied the word “bored” to my life, I felt like I finally had something tangible I could grab onto. I now had some way of describing what I had been feeling for a couple years. I had something that I felt could be “fixed” because I knew what the problem was.

At this point I thought it was a problem with myself, a sin, if you will. I’m a believer. The Holy Spirit lives inside me. I shouldn’t have felt so bored with life. I repented to God of my boredom and asked Him to help me grow through this. After this, I was really motivated and excited for the next couple of days.

James tells us, “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.” I think that confession is a big part of getting the help to grow and improve, however most of us want to just deal with things on our own in blatant disregard for James’ wisdom and God’s instruction. I began to share this with some of my friends so they would be praying for me as well.

One friend shared with me that he thought I may be clinically depressed. By this time, the ‘high’ from my realization and repentance was wearing off already. He shared about depression in his own life and urged me to see a doctor about it. I didn’t even know what kind of doctor to go see. He told me that any general practitioner could diagnose and treat it. So, I made an appointment with my doctor.

What Is My Current Treatment and Experience?
When I talked with my doctor, he agreed that it sounded like I’m dealing with depression and prescribed 10mg of Paxil per day. I started taking it the next day. It’s supposed to take a couple weeks to kick in, but almost immediately I began feeling better. I think a lot of this may have been the placebo effect and just psychologically knowing that I was on a path to getting better.

About a week-and-a-half after I started the medication, I felt “lower than a snakes belly” (as my wife would say) for a couple days. After feeling so good for over a week, this provided a great point of comparison for how I had felt for so long as compared to how I could feel.

I’ve been on the medication for three weeks now and I really can tell a difference. No, I’m still not as motivated and energized as I would like to be, but I’m still in the very early stages of my treatment as well. Imagine having a toothache and having periods, maybe days, where it doesn’t bother you at all, or not quite as much; that’s kind of what this is like. I see my doctor again next week and we’ll talk about the medication and how things are going. He may also recommend psychiatric counseling, but he wanted to see what the medication would do first. I also need to talk to him about Sleep Apnea as something that could possibly be contributing to this.

Along with the medication, God has also been bringing other sources of strength and help into my life. When I told one friend about it, he put out his hand to shake mine and exclaimed, “Welcome to the club man!” Other friends have also shared about their experiences and encouraged me and listened to me.

Many of the books I’ve been reading lately have been dealing with depression (even though depression is the focus of the book). One of them is a book that overcoming creative blocks that I just started re-reading. Even though I read most of it just a few months ago, I don’t remember much about it; it’s as though I was in some kind of haze at the time. Now I see that the book talks a lot about depression in creative type people. It’s odd that I re-read any book, and I don’t have any good reason for re-reading this one except that I believe God drew me to it again, knowing that I was now ready for it’s message and teaching.

I’ve also joined a virtual Master Mind group which is helping me through some of my productivity and motivational issues. We meet over the phone every other Monday evening and a personal productivity coach facilitates the discussion between us. I’ll be sharing more in future blog posts about what I’m gaining from participating in the group. I don’t think that I would have joined it if I wasn’t moving down the path of treatment for depression, even though I’ve wanted to take part in a Master Mind group for several years.

So, through confession to others, God is helping me. He’s brining all sorts of helpful resources into my life that I would have otherwise have ignored. I’m so thankful for His abiding presence in my life.

Why Am I Sharing This on My Blog?
The bottom line for why I’m sharing this is that I want to help others. I believe God allows all of us to experience things so we can help others who experience those same things after us. I wish I had read a blog post like this a long time ago–it may have pointed me in the right direction a lot sooner and I could be even further down the path of treatment. Maybe by reading my confession, some of you will be encouraged to share your own experiences with depression and therefore be able to help others as well.

I also have a number of new blog posts that I plan to write, and some of them deal with lessons that I’m learning as I grow through this. I think that by writing this public confession it will provide a better context and background for those articles.

Finally, just as opening up to others has already helped me, hopefully confessing to a larger group will provide other help as well. Perhaps some of you will share your own stories and encouragement which will contribute to my further healing. And hopefully some of you will be much in prayer for myself and others who are dealing with this.

Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective. — James 5:16